It has a way of sneaking up on one, this holiday season phenomenon! For me it is a bittersweet time, with past holiday memories of family and love intact. The loss of my parents within the last three years and my sister, six years ago, give me reason to wince at the approaching days of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Being settled now, in the farm home in which I grew up, really forces me to confront my loneliness for those that I love. The days where laughter, love, and crazy chatter filled the air. When my mother would bake non stop beginning the week of Thanksgiving and not stopping until Christmas and New Years were well in the distance. Her check lists filled with chores and gifts, groceries and details. I find these old forgotten lists in my mothers things. I miss her all the more.
I certainly don't mean to paint such a gloomy picture of my heart. I just wish to express my feelings so as not to let them consume me. I've been told this is healthy. I believe it to be true.
This year, I have decided to have Christmas here again, after three years of letting my sister handle everything. I am a little concerned as I don't want to make anyone sad with all the changes I have made to the house over the past year. My little sister, especially, has a difficult time when she sees that my Mothers's house is no longer the same. If it were, I know that would hurt equally as much. There is no winning in this of situation.
I do take comfort and truly believe, that my Momma is happy that her family once again will gather on the farm. Just like before. She will be the flickering candle, my Daddy, the hint of cigar aroma that still lingers, my sister Michele, the light in everyone's eyes.
I will get through this! Peace everyone!